Top Ten Worst Sports Uniforms EVER

22 Jul

Worst. Uniforms. Ever. Plain and simple. I don’t plan to write a long, drawn out, creative post about this. Frankly it’s because I can’t stand to look at the uniforms I’m currently writing about (I have a barf bag in front of me just in case), but that’s beside the point.

Yes, fashion is obviously a low point all around in American society, and we don’t need to look much further than our professional sports teams to realize that debauchery and illegal chemical substances run rampant during creative brain storms. Thankfully, people started to come to their senses around the time that big hair bands died out and the major sports franchises hired marketing directors with fashion sense to overhaul their team’s look. Below are my pick for the Top ten worst uniforms of all time. Enjoy!

10. Oregon Ducks Football, 2009 – 2010

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If you’ve ever watched Sport Center in your life then you have seen the Oregon Ducks showcase their creatively insane uniforms that Nike executives allow their autistic children to design during take your child to work day. I’m all for cool looking uniforms, but they should have stopped in 2006 when they have the forest green jerseys with the big O on the center. Now it’s like a contest for who can make the douchiest uniform.

9. Hartford Whalers, 1979-1990

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Hartford was, and is, a great hockey town. Many were sad to see the team pack up and leave after the ’93-’94 season. Maybe the locals should blame it on the uniforms. I mean, let’s be serious. Whale tails?! Nothing strikes fear in your opponent like a giant whale’s tail across your chest. They might as well have called themselves the Hartford Donkey Punches because that’s what they deserved.

8. San Diego Padres, 1983, 2007-present

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Not many professional sports franchises or individuals for that matter have been daring enough to dawn the brown, orange, and yellow combo that the Padres wore in the early 80’s. But as if that wasn’t ugly enough they go out and one-up themselves with the ridiculous camouflage uniforms that dawn during the regular season. Perhaps someday they will realize they need to focus on winning something other than the ugliest uniform award. Build a god damn team and wear a normal jersey you hippie bastards.

7. Pittsburgh Pirates, 1976-1986

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The Pirates of the late 70’s and early 80’s set the uniform standard for adult slow pitch softball leagues across the country. Unfortunately, the 1979 Pirates were the last to make it to, and win, a World Series pennant. I actually don’t mind the color scheme – the Pirates should have an easy task with such bold colors, but those hats?! Fashion fopaux if I do say so myself.  Maybe the uniforms helped though. The Pirates are on the way to having their 17th consecutive losing season. Maybe it’s time to dust off the throw backs and try to be winners again.

6. Denver Nuggets, 1982-1993

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I don’t even know what to say about his monstrosity. Maybe incorporating a rainbow and the city skyline into the uniform wasn’t as good of an idea as it looked on paper. Shouldn’t this be in San Fran?

5. Houston Astros 1975-1993

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Ummm, what is going on here? Am I watching a live action emergency broadcasting system alert? Why are the numbers right next to his package? How many lines are too many? How high was the person who designed this jersey and does he have anymore? I can’t even explain how bad it is because I can’t stop asking questions.

4. Chicago White Sox, 1970s

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I’m actually speechless. These uniforms seem to be part disco, part beer league softball uniform. Anyone who played on this team should be very embarrassed. It’s like a bad Halloween costume. It’s like watching a live action game of ‘To catch a predator”.

3. USA Ryder Cup, 1999

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Regardless if it was a thrilling Ryder Cup or not, the US should be ashamed of themselves because non of the thrills matter since the US team members decided to play their Sunday round in what appears to be a collection of Motel paintings over a swath of burgundy disaster. I’m actually speechless when it comes to this “uniform”, I mean out of all the shirts in the world how the fuck did this one get picked?

2. Vancouver Canucks, 1970s

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That’s probably the worst Mega Man villain I’ve ever seen. Shame on you, Dr. Wily. These uniforms actually gave Canada a bad name. It’s no wonder we don’t see more fashion lines come from Vancouver. Stick to rock sculptures and totem poles. Actually, it’s no wonder why they look like this, with the amount of amazing beer and drugs in BC I’m surprised they aren’t just flat out green with a huge weed leaf on it.

1. Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, 2009

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Honestly, what the shit!? This was obviously a clear pick for the number one spot. The Phillies minor league squad showcased the most horrendous thing my eyes have ever seen a few weeks back. As a special promotion they decided to have a ‘Wedding night’ at the ball park and in honor of those white trash enough to get married at a minor league ball park they dawned this horse shit tuxedo uniform. Strangely enough no gun violence came because of this. Obviously because I was not in attendance. I need to stop writing because I’m actually getting pissed off at how dumb humans are. I hate life.

Honorable Mentions:

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3 Responses to “Top Ten Worst Sports Uniforms EVER”

  1. Molly 01/16/2015 at 7:27 PM #

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  2. Ckott 07/22/2009 at 8:10 PM #

    What about the futuristic jerseys from the MLB that one year? those were really fucking awful.

  3. Ckott 07/22/2009 at 8:09 PM #

    Fear the Whale!

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