Archive | December, 2009

Cute as a button: Ode to Alison Brie

21 Dec

I love the internet more and more each day. Not only can one search for things necessary for school, work or filling their “personal needs”, we can also dig up ridiculous things up and coming celebrities do before they become house hold names. For those of you unfamiliar with the amazingly adorable Alison Brie, she plays Trudy Campbell on “Mad Men” and Annie on “Community.” Not only is this girl cute as a button, she also happens to be on two of favorite shows. Double score!!

The video below, named “Christmas Idol,” was apparently from two years ago.  This video is obviously a spoof that makes me want to spooge and as you can see, Santa is more than down to give her an unwrapped gift for Christmas (see what I did there?), while the Ghost of Christmas Past and Jesus aren’t really feeling it all that much. I don’t see what their problem is, I mean what makes Jesus so high and mighty that he can judge like that? Oh, wait, he’s the son of God? Good point, still, even the son of God would want to touch her. Unlessssss….? Think about it.

Also, for your viewing pleasure I’ve attached this follow up video that is garaunteed to get your blood boiling. Probably not suitible for work (unless you’re Charlie Runkle).

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four year old gets drunk, steals presents

18 Dec

Man do I love Tennessee news. Apparently they have better stories than any other state in the country. Want to know why? Because in Tennesse little redneck children can get drunk and wonder the streets.

According to the story, Hayden Wright snuck out of his home in the middle of the night, got drunk, wandered around the neighborhood, went into a neighbor’s house, and stole presents from under the tree — one of which was a little girl’s dress that he then put on before continuing wandering around the neighborhood.

Hayden’s overwheight, country bumpkin, 21 year old mother said “He runs away trying to find his father,” she said. “He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.” That’s cool, lady. How about we just make up a cell in prison for him now because that’s where he’s going to spend most of his life without a doubt.

According to the (hilarious) story:

The child, Hayden Wright, was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood.  In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl’s dress and drinking a beer. The police report says the child had to be taken to the hospital to be treated for alcohol consumption.

The mother, while discussing the beer drinking goes onto say:

Wright said, “He got it out of my father’s cooler in the back and how he got it open I don’t understand because it was one of those tab beers.”

I don’t know what’s more depressing; the fact that this kid is so fucked up, or the fact that Tennessee still sells beer that has a tear away tab. Didn’t they stop making those in like 1983?

Best Ever: Headlines of 2009

15 Dec

I don’t even know what to think about these headlines. Oh, no wait, I do. No wonder print media is going under, the staff are all ruh-tards.

Worst Cry-baby Ever

11 Dec

So apparently this guy’s wife cries after pretty much any movie she watches. Um I don’ t know about you, but I don’t think I would film it and post it so the world could see how annoying she is. I mean, it’s kinda cute at first, but then you just want to strangle her a bit. Let’s be serious, she cries after Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Back to the Future… I hate to break it to  you, buddy, but you’re wife, well how do I put this gently? You’re wife deserves to be choked out by Wayne Brady.

Perez Hilton is a Talentless Hack

9 Dec

I literally cannot describe how satisfying this video of Sam Rubin from KTLA, Los Angeles ripping into Perez Hilton is to me. I dislike Perez almost as much as I dislike Ebola or AIDS, although they all do the same thing, kill people from the inside out. This dude(ish thing) is a talentless hack and the only reason he’s famous is because he started blogging before it was cool.

All this asshole does is take a picture and draw on them. I know kids in kindergarten with more talent than this drama queen. Anyway, I could write for days about the hatred I have for this punk bitch, but I will allow Sam to articulate for me in his two minute rant. Listen closely to the other anchors on the show backing him up with their best Flavor Flav impressions. Simply amazing.

Problems Comparison Chart: Tiger Woods Vs. Jay Z

4 Dec

Thanks to Buzzfeed for creating this hilarious chart. Whoever thought to create this deserves a high five followed by a low five followed by a shot of Jameson and finished with a happy dance. What? I like the chart, screw you!

Hey Tiger, Stop Being a Pussy (cat)

2 Dec

Ok, as I’m sure you’ve all heard on Nov. 27, the world’s greatest sports poster boy, Tiger Woods plowed his black SUV into a fire hydrant and then a tree near his Pensacola, Fla., home (in his bare feet mind you). The accident caused $3,300 worth of damage to the property, nearly $8,000 of damages to his car and, well, the damage he’s done to his family, priceless! Nice Master Card commercial, don’t cha think?

As an avid golfer and a monster fan of Tiger, I have to say a few things about this absurd media debacle that has since ensued. Tiger. Dude. What the shit is wrong with you? No, I’m not talking about sleeping with other women. I’m talking about the way you handled the whole thing. I don’t know who your PR people are, but they should be fired immediately. Whose idea was it to have you stay silent and allow the global media to develop their own take on the story? Did you not watch what happened this summer with David Letterman? When in doubt, do what he did. Confess and take the story away from “the man”. It just came off as complete arrogance on his behalf. “I’m Tiger Woods, I don’t have to talk to the Police or the media.”

Beyond the fact that Tiger is a robot and does things no one thought possible on a golf course, he is as famous and as rich as he is today because of his clean cut image and public persona. That and how the media pretty much lives in his ass. Companies like Nike and Tag Heuer have paid him insane amounts of Pesos (yes, Pesos) to represent their corporate image and considering he is the most recognizable athlete on the planet, they did a good job of picking their “messiah”. Until now that is. Now he’s not so squeaky clean. But then again neither is Nike and their sweat shops.

Now, Tiger I understand you wanted to keep the situation low key and keep it out of the media at all costs, but you know the media and you know what blood thirsty people are capable of. In this day of age nothing is secret and the harder you try to keep it quiet, the more they will pry and pry until they dig something up. After all the media are the reason you are who you are today. They are much of the reason you live in your ridiculous house and procreate with your dime supermodel wife. And unfortunately for you, it’s not up to you to determine which way things swing. When you’re a celebrity and you screw up you have to own up to your actions. And addressing the media after things have been un-foiled is not owning up to your actions at all.

As for all the girls who are going to come out of the wood work and “come clean” about their relationships with Tiger. SCREW YOU! Get a life you blood thirsty, wanna be reality TV ‘stars’. How about you get a real job, stop getting cosmetic surgery and stop fucking with famous people just to get a buck. The fact is as much as Tiger is at fault for his infidelities, which he is indeed, these trick ass hoes need to be banished from this earth. As long as there are super stars there will be little skanks trying to take them for all their worth and wreck their homes. I hate how this shit always plays out. Rumors start and then all of a sudden a hundred girls claim to be pregnant or something. How does this help you or Tiger. Oh, hey, guess what? I’m that chick who banged Tiger Woods and ruined his career and marriage. Aren’t I the coolest girl you know? NO, GO TO HELL!!!

Anyway, back to the story at hand. I don’t know for sure what happened that night. I can assume what happened, but that doesn’t make me an expert. What’s sickening to me is there have been over 4,000 stories written about this so far, so this obviously means, A) people have too much time on their hands B) The war must be over along with the economic crisis. Oh wait the war isn’t over? We’re sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan? Oh, record amounts of people are still out of work?

None of these issues matter though because Tiger Woods and his wife are having marital problems. Anyone who is in awe about this has obviously never been in a relationship. People fight. Shit, I bet you my ex-girlfriend wanted to bash my windows out of my car with a golf club before, not because I was cheating on her, but because guys are dumb. It’s science. We were wired poorly and do terrible things unknowingly. And women, well, women are just straight crazy. Story over.

To end my erratic rants I want to say this; Tiger, shame on you for committing infidelity. You have an amazingly beautiful wife and two beautiful children. I’m sure it must be hard to have women throwing themselves at you night after night, but unfortunately for you that’s what happens when you’re a major celebrity. I have and will always respect Tiger for his philanthropy and his outstanding play, but right now he is slacking in a major way. Everything he is going to say when he addresses the media is now going to sound fake and forced. He had his time to set the record straight, but he chose not to. Now this whole thing is officially on him.

What are your thoughts I would love to hear them.

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