Archive | June, 2009

That is a funny looking Whopper. Why does it look like you have curly fries too?

23 Jun

For the safety of those involved I am going to use false identities.

(Photo evidence of this story is below. I urge you to read the story before viewing the photos. It makes it that much better).

The day was long and hot. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky so it’s a good thing there was a ridiculous amount of booze to quench our thirst. What started off as a day of love and rejoice quickly devolved into a shit show filled with miscreants looking to let loose and make bad decisions. Now I’m not exactly sure how and when the night took the turn, but boy am I glad that it did because I have to tell you, I’m happy as fuck that I was able to live something so hilariously preposterous that I actually peed a little in my pants (no lie).

By this point I was so inebriated that I had the motor skills of a toddler (that’s being generous), but if my mush ball of a mind memory serves me correctly it was about 11pm PST that we made the move to the local Burger King. I should have known where things were heading after we were forced to leave the roof top garden that we brought the post, post wedding party too because the couple who owned the place were about to pull a Bobby and Whitney over what I believe had to do with some recent infidelity. Don’t quote me on that though. I was probably thirty drinks deep by this point (it was a wedding. don’t judge)… Anyway, since the seven or eight of us who were still standing were highly intoxicated and in need of some non-liquid fuel we stopped at the fist place we saw, which just so happened to be (as said above) a 24hr BK right down the road from where we just vacated.

As we were walking down the road, we’ll call the star of the show Trina suddenly realizes that she does not have her sandals and instead of walking back two hundred yards to pick them up she decides that she wants a piggy back. I just so happened to be the person staggering directly in front of her. Lucky me… Before I have time to react to the thumping foot steps getting louder and faster behind me, “Trina” does a full out long jump style leap onto my back, almost knocking me clean out of my shoes. It is at this exact moment when things started getting really strange.

Trina has her legs wrapped around my back so tight that I actually thought she was going to cause internal injuries. Soon after she decides to use me as public transportation, she begins whispering sweet nothings some weird “come-ons” in my ear. These brilliant lines were so hilariously awful that I actually remember word for word what she was saying.

Trina: You like that grip?

Me: It actually kind of hurts my kidney

Trina: I could be your problem tonight. You want a problem tonight because I could be it?!

Me: I don’t want any problems. I like to stay problem free. Can you hop off, my kidney is about to have a serious problem.

Trina: Let’s go get my sandals and reverse the grip.

Me: No, no, no, no. You need to hop down and walk it off while I check for bruising.

Trina: Whatever, I can do great things, you’re missing out…

Trina, not even fazed by being rejected, proceeds to storm away to find her next victim. We’ll call him Barney. As we all began unloading our beers and our bottle of Jack Daniels, Trina tells us she wants a Whopper and walks over to Barney. It’s at this point there was a small group decision that we needed to go through the drive thru on our feet (and avoid Trina sexually harassing Barney) since none of us had wheel, and, well we were starving.

Vancouver 09 208Apparently, to our surprise, there was a hobo who called BK home, and he was none to please at the spectacle. Probably contemplating a mass murder he took himself inside with his cup of coffee and watched us order our food while we slugged from the JD bottle and dry heaved. When we get back towards the front we see Trina straddling Barney while he’s screaming at the top of his lungs, “I need an adult! I need an adult!” Seeing that this assault was doing nothing, Trina, like a true predator, sniffed out her next and final victim, Kojo. It was a serious National Geographic moment. Vancouver 09 212

I’m pretty sure we didn’t realize that Trina and Kojo were missing for a good fifteen minutes, but when we did it ended up being the single funniest moment of my entire life (sad, I know). As our liquor soaked stomachs began absorbing the greasy excuse for food Burger King dishes out, our group starts to check the area to see if we can sneak up on anything private. Little did we know that this was a not so private event after all. Me being the adventurer I am decided to break away from the pack. When I walked away from the group to check around the corner I most certainly was not prepared for what I was about to see. I mean I knew I would see some PDA, but this. This was pretty much out a porn shoot. Thankfully I had my trusty point and shoot on me and out of sheer instinct I posted it up on the wall while I hid around the corner like James Bond and snapped one single shot. The shot heard round the world (or at least the neighborhood):

 

How's your Whopper?

How's your Whopper?

 

Here is Trina, not even on her knees, bobbing for apples 5ft to the left of window 1 at the drive thru giving all of the BK employees a free show. Not knowing what to do with the piece of gold I held in my hands, I just jumped around screaming and laughing like the drunken jackass I am was. Everyone in the group assumed I found them, but they were not ready for what I was about to show them. After everyone had a good look at the photo we all b-line to the opposite side of the lot to try and snap more shots of the love birds. This is when we find some random guy attempting to order from the pick-up window, but having no luck because the people inside were pressed up against the glass watching Kojo get throat punching Tina right next to him. Vancouver 09 217

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined that night to end up the way it did. At 11am we sat through a beautiful service outside in Vancouver, followed by a classy breakfast buffet (seriously it was amazing) and bocce ball and croquet. People were happy and showing no signs of what lied ahead. I gotta tell you though. Boy am I glad that I was the one taking the pictures. Suffice it to say, Trina ended up getting the Whopper she asked us to order her after all.

I triple dog dare any of you out there to tell a story as great as that. If you have photo evidence that’s a huge plus, but I may have to give myself the Best Ever Award on this right here.

Cheers!

Was I at a wedding last night, if so are we still friends, story

17 Jun

Nothing but class

Well it’s nothing unexpected; as we get older more and more of our friends start tying the balloon knot. And if you’re like me, you have a butt load of weddings to attend/have already attended this summer. Weddings are in some ways a double edge sword. I mean, sure they’re a blast (if you can remember them), but they also cost you an arm and a leg. I mean why should I be expected to give you $120, to help pay for your soon to be needed divorce lawyer? Sorry, I digress…

Like many of you little lush’s (you know who you are. Yeah, you!) I look forward to the mouth watering, hard on giving, infamous OPEN BAR. Fuck what meal I need to choose, I’m looking forward to a steady liquid diet for a night. Gin and Tonic, please and hold the ice or it will end up everywhere because that’s just how I roll.

The whole wedding scene is very humorous if you think about – people from all walks of life that are somehow connected to the bride or groom (or bride and bride/groom and groom) gather together to eat too little, drink too much, act like they can dance, but instead look like children with down syndrome chasing butterflies, then, as the night goes on lose all inhibitions and regret everything past ten o’clock. Sound familiar? Yeah it happened to me a few months back as well. I drank enough to kill an entire class of kindergarteners, blacked out, grabbed a set of golf clubs from my buddies’ car and proceeded to walk out to the 18th green and hack away. Apparently, that is.   I then somehow made it back to the hotel where I walked right past the wedding party, up to the room and passed out on the floor (there were beds and couches and all). When I woke up in the morning it looked like I had just been swimming in a barrel of red wine. Side note: I had no idea I was drinking red wine. I can only imagine what I looked like to the rest of the group when each pint glass I got was soon catapulted down my throat like I was stranded on a desert island and minutes away from death. Anyway, enough about me, I could go on for hours regarding the stories I hear about myself, but this isn’t about me. It’s about you slowly, but surely becoming out of control alcoholics and your appreciation for the true love and, well, open bars.

Now this topic just seems so appropriate right now considering I just returned from an amazing wedding in Vancouver. And as I said above, I’m sure a few people might regret their actions from a certain Burger King parking lot… But, this blog is only rated R so I can’t go into the details.

Now I want to hear from YOU. Tell the world about your classiest night celebrating the coming together of two beautiful souls and holy matrimony. See, I can be a sap too.

Cheers!

Best Ever: I can’t believe I’m not in prison story

8 Jun

cops-arrest-clown

Alright you lovely net-jobs (get it, it’s a play on words). For the first topic I have decided to make it one that I know many,  if not all of you are familiar with; A run-in with the law. Now, I know that is a pretty broad topic, but I want you to submit one of your amazingly ridiculous, laugh out loud stories that I’m sure you have stored up in the ole noggin. Be creative, help paint a mental picture of what you went through before, during and after the event. This is a chance for you to show the world how stupid bad ass  you are.

You have until the end of the week to submit your stories. Now do it or you’ll be found in your closet with a rope around genitals (too soon?).

Criteria:

  1. Who were you with
  2. Where were you when it happened
  3. What was going through your mind before, during and after
  4. Would you do it again

Greetings to anyone who wants to get their world rocked.

8 Jun

I had an amazing drunken idea the other day to start a blog where you, the people, get to submit stories to be rated on a best ever, worst ever scale. I know this might already be done somewhere, but I can assure you that I am way cooler. See, you feel better already, don’t you? What I plan to do is update the site weekly with a best ever, worst ever scenario and allow you to submit your story. After the deadlines close we will read them through, evaluate the response, take ten steps forward, ten steps back, and, wallah. That’s where babies come from…. Or a stork, someone once told me. Anyway, eventually we will make hard copy awards so that you little online junkies feel appreciated for your efforts. I’m happiest when I’m giving.

Enjoy the site and please feel free to send in any topics that you feel deserve to be voted on.

Cheers,

Schreibz

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